you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
