I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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