listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
