Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
