I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
