Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
