If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
