I can text with my tongue
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
im six kinds of drunk right now
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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