rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
