Already got asked if we're dating
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
