go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
