my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
