So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Ladies don't puke and tell
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
