saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
