He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
