You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
