turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why is there bacon in the couch?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
