Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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