hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
