it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
