His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
