we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
