i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
