Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
