The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
the liver wants what the liver wants
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
