Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
