You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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