i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
