also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
