She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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