no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
