I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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