just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize