I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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