and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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