dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
