just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Send help, water and tortillas.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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