Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
