you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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