I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
