the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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