If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize