Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
