I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
