Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
