I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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