if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
