I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
