all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize