Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
