Where did you get a picture of my penis
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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