proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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