Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize