I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
