Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize