in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
