i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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